To say the last year has been a test of my faith is quite an understatement. I was hoping the test would be over by now, but it's not. And now more than ever I struggle with faithlessness.
Yet, it doesn't matter what I do, say, or think. Actually, many times I don't know what to think anymore. Then somehow my Lord shows me in one way or another that He is with us, as present as ever before, although my eyes would like to tell me He is far off, unaware of my circumstances and that He doesn't really care. And many times, I have complained that His presence isn't enough. Yet He keeps telling me it is enough, and it will always be.
Our family is going through hard times -- nothing I would consider tragic. I want so badly for God to act on our behalf, but He hasn't yet (as far as I can see). He has acted in different ways, just not where I'd like to find relief right now.
Somehow God is trying to teach me more about His grace. At this point, it is hard for me to say that God's grace is sufficient. And I think it has to do with me not fully understanding what grace is really about. I often have heard grace defined as receiving what we don't deserve. That makes it a bit easier to understand His grace in the context of salvation, but it has to mean more than that. Strength is associated with grace. God told the Apostle Paul that His grace was sufficient, and that His power was perfected in Paul's weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). Paul also reminds Timothy to be strengthened in God's grace (2 Timothy 2:1). So I am learning that strength and contentment do not lie solely in my faith in Christ, but in His grace.
So here I am, trying to figure it out. Trying to wait on God and trust in Him. Trying to deal with the unknowns and cope with the knowns. I don't have the strength to do it myself. But Jesus says:
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:18-30, emphasis mine)
Oh, Lord, I'm learning. Slowly... but still learning.
O, for grace to trust Him more...*
* From the hymn: 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus